Are British People Really As Emotionally Repressed As The World Thinks They Are?

"As we move around the streets, we tend - women especially and understandably - to give away little that might draw unwanted attention to us. In the Tube, we sit facing each other like zombies. Whatever we're feeling and thinking, we keep our faces muscles firmly under control. How anxious we are in case the 'nutter' talking to himself in the corner might come and sit next to us! We've taught our bodies to disconnect the expression from the emotion."

Mike Alfreds, I. N. (2007). Different Every Night. London: Nick Hern Books Limited.

Casual Fired Day

How To Get Fired

Hate your job but having a hard time finding a way to quit? Leaving a job is in many ways like breaking up with a bad lover, or cutting loose a friend you've grown apart from. It's about as easy as smacking a puppy in the face. Do you ever feel like.... a plastic bag? No seriously, do you ever feel like it'd be a lot easier if they ended things first? Then you wouldn't have to feel guilty, and you would be the one who spends all day in your pajamas eating Ben and Jerry's Cake Batter ice-cream.

Wouldn't it be easier if they just fired you? Well, yes, it would. Then you wouldn't have to explain that your colleagues' vomit-inducing B.O problem is making you feel like you're going through the early stages of pregnancy, or that you think your boss might have forged his degree certificate.

Yes, it'd be much easier if they ditched you first. So here's how to say 'it's not you, it's me' to your job without saying a word.



Leave raw meat on your desk.
Casually press it to your face every now and again. If anyone asks you about it, pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.






Insist on always speaking through a mega-phone.
And find lots of reasons to speak. Ask permission to go to the toilet, narrate your own stream of consciousness, recite the lords prayer every time someone enters or leaves the room.





Have a screaming match with your laptop.
Re-enact a break-up scene with your Mac. Tell it that you hate the way it looks at other Macs.







Take your dog to work.
Leave every hour to take it for a walk. If anyone complains, cry inconsolably. Like this. :-D









Naked Friday.
Simply forget to wear clothes. Actually, this might not work. If your pervy boss decides it's a good idea, then you're still working a job you hate, in a naked office.





Wear an lycra leopard print body suit.
Refuse to do anything except lean on an imaginary filing cabinet.









Only thing worse than wearing a bad outfit? Sharing a bad outfit. Team up with a few equally unhappy colleagues (or better still, someone who doesn't work there at all). You can just use tinfoil if you can't find a dress big enough. Use sparingly, and don't forget to top it all off with a look of utter disapproval.

Enter the Dragon

Celebrating Chinese New Year, Dragon-style, Far from the East: A Crash Course in Chinese Culture

Whether you're a homesick Hong-konger or someone whose experience of China begins and ends with the sweet and sour pork from the local Chinese-chippy, it's time to don something red and celebrate the arrival of the Year of the Dragon. If you're 24, 36, 48, or 60 this year it’s lucky for you, but fortunately, everyone else is allowed to celebrate too (that's called Communism).

The Parade
The year of the Dragon officially begins tomorrow, Monday 23rd of January, but the celebrations in London will commence a week later on the 29th of January.
The parade starts at 10.15am on Rupert Street (nearest tube Piccadilly Circus) and finishes at 11.30am. At noon, the opening ceremony will commence on the main stage at Trafalgar Square with Boris Johnson and Stanley Tse, who will perform the Dotting of the Eye ceremony, which will bring the dragons and lions to life (obviously). More than 100 performers will take part, including the Chen Brothers (who, somewhat obscurely, hold the Guinness World Record for the highest pole jump in flying lion dance). The event culminates in the fireworks finale at 5.40pm.
A second stage in Shaftesbury Avenue will host performances from a range of local community groups and schools. You'll also find a parade of lion dancers and a range of stalls selling traditional produce in Chinatown.



The Culture
If you know next to nothing about Chinese culture, this is a good place to start. Watch 'Love in a Puff', read 'The World of Suzie Wong', or book yourself a ticket to see Cantopop sensation Eason Chan as he brings his concert to the O2 Arena London on the 23rd April 2012.
Alternatively, you could just go and sit in the Cafe de Hong Kong near Leicester Square tube station and yell 'diu lei' into a mobile phone, or perhaps say a cheery 'kung hei fat choi' to an actual Chinese person. Note: I wouldn't suggest saying this to any waiters in Chinatown, you're likely to receive a response along the lines of 'what that fuck are you talking about mate?' in a strong Essex accent.

But in all seriousness, here are some of my favourite things to do around CNY.

Fresh Flowers
Walking through the rainy Victoria park, squeezing amongst the crowds of people and the stalls selling hello kitty trinkets, and of course bunches of flowers. The crowd peaks at a few hours before and after midnight of the New Year's Day. In London, take your camera and check out the New Covent Garden Market.

Orange Throwing
Do it like they do in Lam Tsuen Village; Write down your wish, attach it to an orange, wind up and lob it into the branches of one of the specially provided wishing trees. Any tree in or near China town will do. In Hong Kong, this practice was discouraged by the authorities when one of the branches gave way and injured two people. Exercise due caution.

Fish Lantern
Filling your apartment with Chinese lanterns is preferable to setting off fireworks indoors. So, construct your very own Ang Pow Fish Lantern! This is supposed to mark the end of the New Year celebrations. In some region and countries, this festival is also regarded as the Chinese version of St. Valentine's Day.



The Food
The food is perhaps the most important element of this celebration, and of Chinese culture itself. Self-induced food comas are a past-time that many Hong Kongers spend a good deal of time exploring and perfecting. So, screw your New Years diet Resolution and check out the following for classic Cantonese, fiery Sichuan and delicious dim sum.

The Royal China Club
40-42 Baker Street, W1U 7AJ

The best dim-sum in town. Classic Cantonese cuisine; don't miss the Xiao Long Bao. Book ahead on a Sunday afternoon.

Bar Shu
28 Frith Street, W1D 5LF

The pinnacle of Sichuan cooking. As Mao said, 'If you don't eat chillies, you won't be a revolutionary.' - many of the items on this menu are marked as very hot.

Princess Garden
8-10 North Audley Street, W1K 6ZD

Beggar's Chicken (advanced notice required), abalone, and seaweed. Cantonese classics and modern inventions by Leading Hong Kong Head Chef, Mr Wai Ming Chow.



This is a great opportunity to experience the best elements of another culture, try new food, and throw oranges at trees. Whilst CNBC claimed that China will never rule the world, I'm going to hedge my bets and take sides with MC Jin, when he uttered the immortal lyrics: "Ya'll gonna learn Chinese, ya'll gonna wanna be Chinese, ya'll gonna learn Chinese, when the pumps go off, ya'll gon' speak Chinese". So maybe it's about time you shoved a pork bun in your mouth and made friends with the dragon.

Kung Hei Fat Choi, bitches.

The Plastic Surgery Bubble

is it finally about to burst?

Everyone's talking about breasts. No change there then. From the recent exploding breast implant panic to the tit-parade that is Big Brother, all those horrendous scripted-reality shows about people in Essex, and pretty much everything else on TV except a few cookery shows and QI, you can't channel-hop without being confronted by a parade of giant skin-covered fishbowl-shaped mammaries.

I heard them discussing the topic of implants on ITV's Loose Women yesterday, right before Jennifer Ellison came on (who surprisingly had nothing to say about the issue, but then I guess she probably doesn't care since she doesn't need the NHS to foot her bill).


They were discussing the issue of private companies refusing to offer free removals in light of the fact that the implants are thought to not be as safe as first indicated. Carol Mcgiffin said something to the effect of 'asking them to replace your implants is like getting contractors in to renovate your house, and when they've finished, saying "I don't like it!", and expecting the government to fix it.' Actually, it's a bit more like getting your house renovated then finding out afterwards the paint is loaded with asbestos, but I do agree with the point that it's not exactly a great idea to put industrial-strength silicone into your body in the first place.

End of an Era?

So does this amount to the beginning of the end for the golden age of going under the knife? The first breast-implant operation happened exactly 50 years ago, but has this fashion finally filtered down to the tragic clearance bins of cosmetic alterations? One day, perhaps very soon, will we look back on this phenomenon as one of those awful things we did to our collective selves, like public executions and 80's synth pop?

I'd like to agree with Harriet Walker and say yes, boobs are over, but honestly, I think it's a trend that's here to stay for quite some time yet. It's far more than just a ghastly aesthetic choice; it has roots in far deeper social and psychological problems. On a surface level, it's ultimately a question of taste: if scripted reality, the obsession with z-list celebrities, and the fact that more people are getting breast implants today than ten years ago are any indication, perhaps ours is somewhat lacking.

According to this article, "Emotional Chantelle Houghton has broken down again in the Big Brother house, saying she should have had therapy instead of plastic surgery after her split from Preston."
Now I don't have a clue who either of these people are, but a quick Facebook search reveals dozens of groups, each with hundreds of members, claiming things like 'We Love Chantelle Houghton'.
In a society where women like this are revered and few people have heard of women like Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and Jill Abramson, is it really surprising that breast size is often valued over brains?

But maybe I'm completely wrong, and this Chantelle chick is a charity-supporting future Nobel prize winner.

Supply and Demand

Verdict? This trend is here to stay, at least until there is a substantial value shift in personal and cultural spheres (2013?). As long as we continue to idolize these silicone carriers, put them on TV and in magazines, and create groups in their honour, they will continue to multiply.

But why the hell do we do this? One word: Shadenfreude. We simply love watching dumb celebrities get fat, get thin, and get fucked up. In front of cameras. That's why Jodie Marsh isn't stacking shelves in Tesco, and this video of Amy Winehouse at Belgrade has had more than six million views. And also why not a single person, onstage, or off, stopped her from doing this. We enjoy watching people crash and burn, so we put unbalanced people on pedestals and wait for them to fall off. I guess they're more like to topple over if they're front heavy and can't see their own feet.

So it looks like bad taste boobs and bad taste entertainment are here to stay. But it's really not that bad - I mean, it's not like there's a woman giving her daughter a $9,850 voucher for a boob job as a seventh birthday present, or horror-stories of breasts exploding at altitude. Right?

Virtual Addictions Are Very Real

"...people don't know what they want until you show it to them." -- Steve Jobs, BusinessWeek, May 25 1998

I was chatting to a friend on Facebook last night, and he threw me this quote as an idea for an article. This got me thinking about those things which we consider essential, and that there was in fact a time when we managed to live perfectly well without them.
To start with, we never would have even been having that conversation if sites like Facebook didn't exist, and as I sit here, typing at my mac, I start to think of the olden days, when writers sat under trees with notebooks (the ones made from actual paper) and pencils. What did they even write about? How did they research anything?! The mind boggles. Today a friend admitted he went cold turkey when his last iPhone broke, and lasted an inglorious total of two weeks. The benefits of modern technology and social media are fairly well-documented, but are we becoming too reliant?

The things you didn't realise you couldn't live without

Plenty of us have developed a way of living that makes us truly believe that we couldn't function without Facebook, Twitter and Google, but what would happen if, overnight, these companies decided to start charging for their services?
Would you quit, or would you pay?

I think that I'd quit on principle, but in reality, that might not be as easy as it sounds. You'd instantly lose your friends, followers, and your main information source - it'd be the media equivalent of getting expelled from school, becoming a social outcast, and getting ditched by your boyfriend, all in one day.

Support groups would probably spring up everywhere, packed with addicts.
There's no DSM criteria for being a social media addict, but maybe there seriously needs to be. Have you ever counted how many times a day you check facebook? Do you tweet more than 50 times a day? Are you still stalking your ex from 2009 on a daily basis? Perhaps we need a social media Rehab ( though god knows what the hell people would do there).

"Extraordinary thing, the internet. Possibility of genuine global communication, the first great democratic medium.... Two guys wanking in cyberspace." 18 years ago, Anna from Closer by Patric Marber notes a disappointing reality of technological advancement. Unfortunately, for every news-sharing networking professional, there's going to be at least twice as many securing overseas wives, checking into 'bed', or blasting racist comments out of their asses. Perhaps some of these indispensable applications are proving more trouble than they're worth.

Virtual trouble is indeed leaking into the real world. Wikipedia claims that 'In the UK, between 20 to 33 percents of divorce petitions cite Facebook as a cause'. The same page also cites 'envy' and 'stress' as negative psychological impacts that affect users. This might sounds ridiculous, but ask yourself; have you ever been slightly offended that someone removed you from their friends list, or felt inadequate when reading a friends status update about their fabulous life?

An application called 'Take This Lollipop' that recently went viral is another indication of our fascination over privacy and boundaries. Despite being warned by public service messages about privacy such as this, I still see many of my Facebook friends listing their addresses (even the floor and apartment number), and their current location. Sandra checked in at the Gas Station at 2am. Do you really want 687 people to know you're in a deserted place, alone, in the middle of the night?!

It's partly a question of moderation on our part. Facebook stalkers are only able to access information that we have put there in the first place. This isn't something that people would necessarily be concerned about, not before you find yourself the victim of a malevolent cyber-being who stalks you through dozens of fake profiles, sends slanderous messages to your co-workers, your boss, and your family, harasses and verbally abuses you on a daily basis, and turns up at your boyfriends apartment on your birthday, for example.

Kicking the Habit

We've always been aware that drug addicts will do almost anything to feed their habit, and as social media moves from the realms of 'want' into the dungeon of 'need', we could be walking into a not-so-cleverly-concealed trap.

But how do you know if you're in too deep?

Have you ever declined a social invitation (like, going for a drink with friends) in favour of sitting in front of facebook for the evening?
It's a given that you occasionally stalk your ex, but do you have a fake profile for the purpose, and have you ever sent anonymous messages to him?
Have you ever updated your status with something like "is going to bed" or "is watching the dog sleep"?

Is you answered yes to the above, you may need professional help. If you answered 'yes' to number three, please delete yourself immediately and permanently from Facebook, everybody hates you.

With the future of the internet as unstable as it is, maybe it's wise to prepare for the possibility of a social media apocalypse. In the spirit of half-hearted New Year's resolutions, here are three offerings I am prepared to give up to the internet gods (who I believe to be working at The Huffington Post (#shamelessflattery):

1. Twitter. As much as I enjoy the twitterings of Charlie Brooker and Steven Fry, the majority of tweeters are twits, and I recognise that it is basically the internet equivalent of the lidless eye of Sauron.

2. LinkedIn. I'm convinced that no one in the entire world uses this site, despite the emails I keep getting informing me that so-and-so has invited me to join. It must be some sort of evil conspiracy.

(Did I really agree to cull three internet habits?)

3. Facebook. Yes, really. It's basically a glorified email-platform these days, and I could surely just use email for that, right? The only reason I'm not going to delete myself is because I can't be bothered copying all my photos and contact details down, it'd take forever. The only reason.